


heroism kills (can’t stop the trembling)

by kookvmelanin



Series: the sun is in the sky (we burn for it) [4]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Identity Issues, Insecurity, M/M, Minor Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji, Mugiwara no Ichimi | Straw Hat Pirates, Nakamaship, Post-Dressrosa, Soul-Searching, nico robin is mysterious, usopp needs to figure out what he wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:52:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26238904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kookvmelanin/pseuds/kookvmelanin
Summary: with a war on the horizon Usopp can’t stop his mind from remembering. no one told him this is what it took to be brave.the distance is jarring.
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Nico Robin, Monkey D. Luffy & Roronoa Zoro, Monkey D. Luffy & Usopp, Nico Robin & Usopp, Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Series: the sun is in the sky (we burn for it) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882768
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29
Collections: They all need a hug





	heroism kills (can’t stop the trembling)

**Author's Note:**

> ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/seilahdesigns

The Polar Tang was far from a comfort- not these days when the world moved so fast and hardly anyone could keep up. She was a towering piece of metal all around but at least she was yellow- yellow like Sunny’s figurehead. Yellow like Luffy’s sash and Sanji’s hair. Had it been any other time, Usopp would have been badgering Law on how his ship worked just as he was sure Franky was right now. Probably irritating the morose allied captain- but if the Strawhats had learned anything from their captain it was shamelessness. He would have loved to know every part of her, how durable she was, if she had any weapons and maybe learn some new tips from observing their engine to bring back to Sunny. They were nothing if not opportunist pirates- Skypea had been an example of that.

Sunny was far away though, somewhere far in another direction from theirs. Their captain- their headstrong, impulsive, caring captain- was heading the charge into the territory of one of the Emperors of the Sea. He had left with a hope inducing, nonchalant blinding smile and a deadly jump off a millennial elephant. That type of crazy just can’t be replicated.

There would always be that uneasy sensation in his stomach knowing that Luffy was travelling without all of them- a trauma aged two years that would never really go away. At least he was not alone this time, he had Nami, Chopper and Brook- but they were still gone and going to find their crew member in the jaws of a malicious beast of a pirate.

Usopp was as worried as everyone else, don’t get him wrong.

The submarine had stopped for the rest of the night- Bepo having begged whoever navigated the ship to surface so he could have fresh air- which was him but he was not the one actually controlling her. Usopp was glad about it too. The confines of the submarine were so entirely opposite to the free air of the Sunny, as beautiful as the sea looked from within it- nothing beat watching the ocean almost meld with the sky. He stood leaning against the metal railing as the sun began to set- the Wano Kingdom was only a few days away. Another Emperor after the head of their captain that they would have to best- well Luffy at least, Usopp was very adamant on never facing the so called Beast Kaido.

The promise of new unfiltered air allowed his mind to worry about other things- things that were not their impending mortal doom- at least for a while. Think of things that in retrospect were nothing but a speck compared to the important looming battle they were to partake in. Usopp had hardly ever been good at stopping his own stream of superfluous thought. His hand tightens over the railing as the images continue to play in his mind.

Images of those small, small people with too much trust they put Luffy to shame. Those small- too small, too kind people crying out their faith to their captain- their tin soldier toy of a captain. His hand curls even tighter- Usopp is not Luffy. No need to remind him.

The sound of something settling not too far behind him snaps him away from the thoughts. He twists his head back, sees those Penguin and Sachi guys placing a small round table and two chairs before scurrying away themselves- can practically see the hearts dancing around them and muttered words of being useful. His curiosity is soon answered when a serene Robin steps out the submarine doors. He, suddenly notices, as Robin does not head directly for the seat, Zoro. He must have been so lost in thought that he couldn’t even notice the intimidating presence. Seems almost all of their crew had been in need of open air- the closed off space for days on end not suiting the Strawhat lifestyle. Stir-crazy, they got it from Luffy.

It was good to see him. For the past week, Zoro’s form had been a rare sight to the sniper- he had not even spoken a word to him. His entire being exuding intimidation coupled with anger and worry. He was simply unapproachable to just about anyone- terrifying most of the Heart pirates with so much of a glance of his lone, grey eye. It had been like this since Luffy jumped off Zunesha- since Sanji had not been there in the Minks’ fortress to greet them. His boyfriend was gone, left to the care of one of the most dangerous pirates on the sea so he could marry her daughter. The Polar Tang does not have any weights big enough that could distract him- did not have his captain to comfort him- so all that tension was visibly building up.

Usopp, however, is almost afraid of what would have happened had he gone with Luffy. One wild card was enough for an infiltration mission. One man who was nothing but a spear of reckless determination and the other being terribly in love was a mix no one needed.

From this angle, Usopp can only see half the gentle, unique smile Robin sends the lone swordsman. Zoro’s eye opens in her direction, face impassive but listening. He can’t hear what is said- doesn’t know if he’d even understand, the bitter voice in his head comments. They converse briefly in a mix of hushed voices, back and forth. Usopp can see the tension melt just enough from Zoro’s form. Robin bends slightly to ruffle the green locks fondly and it does not take a genius to know she is laughing gently. Zoro grumbles at the action, mouth pursed almost fondly but he still nods at whatever had been said by the archaeologist. The swordsman moves to his feet, his mouth moving as Robin giggles and he enters the submarine once more.

Zoro was alone- his best friend was gone and the love of his life taken away from him- but he still had someone like him left. Another fearless close friend with the knowhow to understand him and Luffy in all their complicated simplicity. Usopp remembers Punk Hazard and their three-way complicity and feels himself bristle inside. It’s annoying to feel the way he does but he can’t stop himself from being.

Usopp continues to watch as Robin moves to take a seat at the table placed for her. There was something about the way she glided across the floor- something close to the way Luffy almost never touched the ground with his bouncy nature, close to the way Zoro’s footsteps were heavy but always so slight and cautious. They all walked with an airy, powerful, paradoxical ease that made one wonder if they had been there at all and at the same time wonder how they could ever be forgotten.

“Long-nose.” Usopp is startled out of his musings with Robin’s light voice. She beckons him to her side. “Come sit with me.”

His feet are moving before his mind can process and soon finds himself seated beside the older woman. It feels new, something that rarely happens on their own ship.

The pair sit in silence for a long while as the sun glows brightly into a faded orange and the waves crash lightly against the hull of the unfamiliar ship. The silence stretches long enough for Usopp’s mind to eat at itself again. He fidgets, mind supplying him with those horrid images of too kind people and their pained cries- he wishes he could flick them away. So lost in thought, Robin manages to startle him again.

“How have you been Long-nose?” The name slips off her tongue with a fond familiarity that he could never hate her for. Frankly, no one who truly knew her, could hate Nico Robin. The question in itself while innocent is a surprise seeing as Robin was the type of person who could be content with only sitting there lost to the scenery or thoughts- whichever took over first.

He coughs, shifts in his seat before answering. “Ah, just fine. Worried about Sanji and the others but I’m doing fine.” He might have said he was fine one time too many but it was all his mouth could supply him with. All he had in his shaken body to give.

“I would imagine we all are.” Robin merely supplies him with a gentle glance that has him gripping at the edges of his mouth to not grimace. She leans back against the chair, unbothered by the uncomfortable metal around her and Usopp is reminded of how Robin had spent most of her epic life in far worse situations than being on an unfamiliar ship- metal was the last of her worries. If she had any at all, Usopp would never know. “But you…you seem troubled by something else. Care to share?”

He is reminded each and every day that he is far more transparent than he wishes to be. For a habitual liar- he had a terrible way of carrying himself inconspicuously. But Robin was smart- the smartest person he had ever met and maybe she could help. Usopp shifts, hands placed between his legs to keep steady and stutters out.

“Thinking about all the stuff that happened back in Dressrosa…” Robin had been there too; he realizes- had seen it all. “In the underground port with the…Tontattas.”

Robin does not intervene in his babbling- not yet- not ever, maybe. He would never be sure what was happening in her genius morbid head. So, he continues even though Robin had been there herself and maybe it is a good thing that he is having the conversation with someone who had been there since Green Bit. Maybe it would hurt less knowing that the images would not place themselves in the mind of someone unknowing- someone like Luffy, like Zoro- someone who would see the scene in as much distaste as Usopp felt for himself. So, he continues, because Robin had been there.

And he had forgotten her. He swallows the bile in his throat.

“I guess- I still feel kind of pathetic for what happened. Even if the great cap-” He stops himself before he can finish those words. He had promised Zoro that he would stop with the supposed obnoxious _Captain Usopp shit_ , albeit two years ago but two years did not assuage the intimidation he had felt in that moment. It did good to remind him where he stood- where he would always stand lest he wish to be on Zoro’s radar of those that need to be taken care of for Luffy’s sake. “Even if _I_ did come back s-sometimes it j-just uh- it’s hard to remember you know.” He tries to laugh- it comes out so sad. “Hard remembering how I ran away like that-“

How he ran away wanting to live only for himself and maybe he had that right. He was a pirate after all and freedom, the right to do as he wanted- good or bad- was what it was all about, right? He was a pirate, surely, but he was a part of Luffy’s crew. ( _Selflessly selfish, unafraid, brave captain Straw Hat Luffy.)_

Usopp does not realize when his hands started shaking but he does now- with a terrifying start. And the Polar Tang is unfamiliar- not unfamiliar like Sunny was or like Merry had never been- she was simply wrong.

“Hard to think about how ready I was to let all those pleading lives go to waste and- just let D-doflamingo’s guys have ‘em.” Even now, not even a month later he still stutters on the man’s name even after watching Luffy pummel him into the ground for a country that was only worth saving for reasons that he understood and for reasons that he didn’t.

“Do you have a problem with killing, Usopp?”

For some reason the question makes the dam break, the water that had been too tightly compressed in the confines of his chest spilling out with a new fervour. Because- what the hell does that have to do with anything? Usopp stopped caring about killing people a very long time ago. It was his life- their lives and he would kill as long as it was necessary. He may not be as bloodthirsty as their demon of a first mate, or of an archaeologist or sometimes even of their captain but he could still do it and his hands never shook because of killing- it was different, always different and always more than that.

“It’s not about that! It- it’s about how I thought it was ridiculous that these people were killing themselves for their tin soldier captain, Robin! I thought they were gonna die for nothing! I never wanted to help them, I was just lying because that’s what I do! It’s all I can do but they trusted me! Thought I was some legendary hero when I’m just a pirate looking out for my o-own.” He can only notice the tears streaming down his face with a bitter sigh. His hand comes to rest over his forehead and he keeps on going- can’t stop the flood now, never could. “And what the fuck does that make me? What does that make my dream? I want to be a hero, Robin! A legendary one but when I finally get treated like one? Look at the shit that I do! What the fuck does that make my ambition!?”

Robin doesn’t even flinch at his loud tone, only rests her chin on her hand and stares right through him. “You came back didn’t you. I came back didn’t I?”

She had been there, Usopp laments. She had seen his cowardice first hand- she could have been lost forever. Well, not forever because there was never going to be a reality where Luffy did not beat Doflamingo and felt that something was missing from his heart.

“And I still ran away.” He bites out, the tears are endless and burning down his cheeks. It’s what happened- whether he came back or not- it happened and that means something for him- someone who can’t not dwell on the past. “I want to be a brave warrior. A hero like they said and I still r-ran away.”

Usopp was never going to forget that. He could still see their disbelieving faces as he broke the illusions he had created of himself and of his crew. Could still hear them crying out his name like he was the one who would stand atop the world- careless and carefree. But that was not him- it couldn’t be. It _would_ not be.

Robin continues to stare at him and Usopp almost wishes he could make her flinch, make her angry- just something but Robin was smart and knowing in a way that terrified him entirely.

“Becoming a hero…a brave man means people giving their lives for you- people that aren’t our captain or us. Becoming that is never going to be easy lest you have the spirit for it.” She speaks, her blue rimmed eyes to the seas she had spent so many years on running and he hopes with a bruised heart that he is not the most cowardly figure she had met in all those times.

What she says is true but Usopp does not know what he can do to make the ache in his chest unfurl. “What am I supposed to do?

“You can abandon the title.” She says it so simply as though the idea does not send a dagger through his heart. A smile- a familiar fond one spreads on her face and he can already tell which name is going to leave her lips. “Luffy does not like the moniker of hero but he is that to those people- their very own _Lucy._ He’s earned it. Long nose, you have done good and bad just as Luffy has but perhaps the title you so wish to have was given to you too early. Not while you still have so many unbeneficial regrets.”

He gets it- he really does. He wishes he doesn’t. Robin does not want him to throw away his dreams- Luffy would never stand for it. He had thought that after his conversation with Zoro two years ago he would stop being reprimanded for his short-sightedness. But Robin had a way of fitting with Luffy and Zoro and their unpredictable demeanour that it should not startle him anymore.

“Do you have any regrets, Robin?” He has to ask. He wonders how far the distance is.

She does not even skip a beat and he hates his simmering disappointment at her self-assuredness, “No. After everything that happened I realized that the only regret I could ever have was never coming back. For years, I survived and I do not regret survival that allowed me to live.”

The twinkle in her eye that shines only so brightly and fondly for her captain is ever present because if Robin ever believed in heroes- Luffy was the only one that measured up. The fondness and the gratefulness overwhelms him and it isn’t even for him. Maybe that’s how far the distance is between where he is and wherever Robin and Zoro and Sanji get to be by Luffy’s side. Robin had lived a life that some people- he, included- could never stomach, and yet here she was on a submarine headed towards a war without even her beloved captain by her side but the ease in her shoulders is almost enough to fool him.

Everyone knows that Nico Robin felt the safest by her dearest captain’s side.

He continues to cry because it hurts- knowing how far you are from all that you want. The ocean winds do not dry his tears nor does Robin.

She was never so sensitive- not like he was, not like Nami was or sometimes not like Sanji. She was, like Zoro, like Luffy who were not one for tears- not these kinds at least. They were there to watch, steady and certain that those tears would not break you- not if you allowed them. They would never sit and cry with someone just for the sake of it. The distance was so immeasurable Usopp wondered why he even bothered counting it anymore. Two years had not brought them closer- maybe it was time to let it go.

“Just as Zoro keeps brooding about the fact that Sanji never kissed him goodbye, you brood because you wish to be as mesmerizing as our captain.” With the way she says Luffy’s title- Usopp thinks she misses him as much as he does. “But these things…are not. We accept them and we live.” Robin for all her gentle smiles was as indelicate as the sharpness of her eyes. 

“Hero, legend…king.” She says _king_ like it’s already reserved for someone and he knows that at the very least. He knows who is going to be king by the end of the age and it is a small but immense comfort to know where at least _he_ is headed. “These are all earned and given to you- _honestly_ given once you are ready to give up everything without the need for them to define you. Just something to think about.”

Usopp thinks about how complicated it is to be a hero- to be a lot more than what he is right now and if maybe he had gotten all the definitions screwed up somewhere between his mother dying and a pirate ship landing on the shores of Syrup Village. Maybe people get to redefine themselves- he wasn’t sure. He was sure his captain did not appreciate those who threw away their ambition- he knew Luffy hated gutless people but for some reason he loved Usopp and all his fears so maybe he was on the right track.

He continues to cry because it is a startling realization that one might have to change. Robin continues to not comfort him with words because appearances are deceptive and she’s never been all that nice to grown people. She’s never been there to hold people’s hands, like Zoro and like Luffy and he does not understand why two people so reserved fit so closely next to Luffy. He thinks about how he overheard way back in East Blue, a laughing Luffy talking to what Usopp would have thought was a napping Zoro.

 _“That Mihawk guy! He said we make a good team!”_ Luffy had smiled as though it wasn’t one of the most feared men on the Grand Line that gave them a compliment. Like it wasn’t Zoro’s rival.

Zoro had grinned, something feral and with all his teeth as he reclined back- back when he had both his eyes and didn’t know how big the world is, but he would- with Luffy, with Sanji- “ _That so? You think he’s right?”_

Luffy had hit him with a laugh that came with all his teeth too- back when there was no jarring scar across his chest and a little less pain in those eyes. He hit him with that laugh _(that secretive, does not belong to anyone else laugh)_ that made the present Usopp think- that is where it all started. _“We better fucking hope.”_

They had laughed like it wasn’t even a matter of hoping because it was already reality and they did not need some warlord who had ripped Zoro open to tell them that. They laughed like they knew this for as long as they had been alive. Since before Pirate Hunter Zoro was the Demon of the East Blue and before Strawhat Luffy could ever become Strawhat.

He wonders how Robin fit into the picture with her few words and morbid nature but the images of Luffy sleeping peacefully in her lap- of him going to her with all the endless questions only someone like him had and her patient adoring smile because Luffy was the entire world for her- the same way he was for them all but Luffy had not gone to war with the very foundation of their world for them so he imagines it’s different. Luffy did not glare at Marine ships and keep an extra eye on them like he did for Robin even years later. He doesn’t know if Luffy had a mother or a sister but he did have two older brothers- he has one now, again, and something about the way Robin adores him and Luffy adores her makes him think it comes very close. Even with all that it doesn’t even seem like the whole picture.

(Usopp does not know about Grey Terminal and how it had gone up in flames and cries for help almost the same way Ohara did. He does not know how Luffy had only been a year younger than when it had happened to Robin. He doesn’t know how he had been made to escape and leave behind people he loved dearly so he could get a chance at living. He does not know how the Government had failed Luffy from birth just as much as it had Robin. He didn’t need to know. Those two were never interested in sharing about their own pasts.)

Usopp continues to cry and Robin does not hold his hand- he doesn’t want her too. He chokes because- he was never going to be like Luffy not when he could only pathetically wish to just understand him. He was never going to give so easily of himself and he doesn’t know how to accept it- how to incorporate it in the plants growing in his chests that have been trying to bloom for over two years now. He does not believe in becoming other people to gain that type of favour- Luffy would kill him for being anything but his liar self. It’s horrible because there are so many people lined up inside him- holding each of them their own masks much like Sniper King and Usopp was never going to be like any of them. He still has too much shame to kill them off and try to become his own person.

Those dwarfs had cried and begged to be saved and Usopp did not know that this is what it meant to be brave. He laments the comics for making it look easy- he laments Luffy for making it look as simple as breathing but it simply was not. Not with the way his chest felt ragged right now with the complications of trying to act like a hero when one is nothing but a pirate. He had thought those warriors ridiculous with how small they were and big their goals and how unreal their captain. He burns at his own hypocrisy. Those warriors had more guts than he ever would but then again Luffy did not hold it against him- not yet hopefully.

Robin does not hold his hand as the tears stream silent down his face- it’s just not her style and he’s not Luffy, he won’t ever be. She doesn’t do anything- she had never been one to mess with history.

She stands with all the grace she always had, her hand lingers on the railing of the Polar Tang. Blue eyes look out to the sea and it does not take a genius to know that she is thinking of Luffy- the fondness and the care there, is immense.

He feels like choking.

“Can you handle the implications of bravery…I wonder.” His first answer in his head is a resounding _no way in hell_ and he stands by it- he was not ready, not now and not for a very long time but he’ll get there- somewhere. “Can you handle being looked at like our captain?”

She says it with a tilt of a giggle in her throat because she’s a little cruel like that and they all love her for it and he knows as much as she does that the answer is _Never._ That’s not his job and he, at the very least, knows that. The ache eases something fierce knowing he does not have to be that blinding to be brave. He thinks- it’s enough to figure it all out himself.

He realizes that people are allowed to redefine themselves without losing their ambition- they’re allowed the confusion and as long as Luffy still supports him and all his bullshit actions maybe he’ll finally find the words that could complete his identity. Usopp still cries though, because he’s allowed the confusion and the hurt and the self-hatred.

She slips away under the cover of the setting sun, as motionless and dignified as a goddess of the moon. Usopp finds that she reminds him of Zoro in presence. Too much power in silent bodies. She slips away and he continues to cry because Robin does not like to mess with history, only likes to watch.

Usopp thinks of Luffy kissing her cheek, grateful, after an interesting story read- sighs a little to himself and sees her ruffling that rubber man’s unusually soft hair in his memory. Robin was already creating history- the only woman who could read the poneglyphs in the entire world- the woman who had given her life to a young, sunny smile and heart.

She was the Pirate King’s beloved and adored archaeologist and she was history in the making.

That alone makes her the most dangerous woman on the seas.

**Author's Note:**

> was watching Dressrosa arc and had the need to confront this since that moment always pisses me off and it turned into me showing off my love for Robin (and Luffy and Zoro bc theyre my three fav straw hats) which is all good on my end so. a little suffering to the sniper boy won't hurt no one so why not write this.
> 
> been thinking of doing a sanji character study like my last one with doffy and doing a chopper with robin one about killing, can't wait
> 
> hope you like it and comment your thoughts <3
> 
> my twt: @luffysmelanin


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